It's weird to just write into thin air. I know no one will read what I have to say which is probably a good thing because I don't even know what I'm writing about. A year ago I was writing about seemed so clear and today life's experiences have dwindled most of my clarity. I always had journals growing up but I was that kid who would write in it for the first week and then forget about it, and all my entries would be "today I went to school...", real exciting! But I have stuff up in this head of mine, may not be profound, but it makes me think a little harder. I wonder why I fear so much. I fear the actuality of change yet I dream about different places and more experiences. I fear failure. I fear failure so much I don't even give some things a chance. I fear that my fears will hold me back. So basically I fear fear itself... which means that I know it's not worth it yet I can't overcome it. It's incredibly frustrating. It takes more energy and makes me more introverted when I'm afraid of something that I can basically become mute. It's as if all my social skills walk off stage and leave me to my twisted tongue and mixed up words. My nerves get the best of me. My stomach starts to twist. I get warm and anxious, uncomfortable. And then if I walk away I will think about how ridiculous I was for no reason at all. It's completely inside my head, I'm completely inside my head. Hiding in there can't be healthy. Sometimes I come out to stretch my legs and an invigorating splash of confidence comes over me, but it can be hard to hold on to that. Something new and foreign comes up and I run back inside my head to deal with it. I want to deal with it then, not later. Later only causes added stress and procrastination until I never deal with it at all, and I never figure out why I felt the way I did and why I responded that way. And it never really goes. It's always there in the back of your head until a similar incident occurs and you are again unprepared.

Been a Long Time

Wow, after reading back over my last blogs its crazy to see how much my views have changed in just a couple years. Although I still feel that everyone we meet plays a very important role in our lives, I think of that in a less positive light at this point in time compared to when I wrote my last blog. And I'm tired of that. I want to make an honest pledge to forgive and forget those who have done me wrong and tried to pressure my views in an unrelenting way. I'm over it. And it feels good to let go. I'm am who I am, believe what I believe, and don't need the approval of anyone else. If someone is unaccepting of me for how I see the world than I don't think they are a positive influence in my life. Rather, it's those that disagree or see things in a different light but express those beliefs in a way in which I become interested, intrigued and excited just to expand my horizons, that I think I benefit from the most.

This year has brought many new people into my life for which I am very greatful. Intoxicating people, the kind that just make you feel good to be around them. They are simple and easy but unique and amazing. I may not even know them very well yet, but I have a feeling we will continue to be great friends. They are opening my eyes, inspiring me to be more social, and listen when you talk. I mean really listen. I drive to school an hour and half one way and it feels so good to know that the person you are conversing with in that amount of time really cares what you have to say, and you really care what they have to say.

So bottom line is, I love people. Their spirits, their energy, their ideas, their friendship. It is people that make the world go round.