Peace

Searching For More
I feel like I have been that person who looks for love in all the wrong places and is never satisfied. Sometimes it was hobbies, sports, relationships, goals and ambitions, political or social causes. All of which were never satisfying. I always jumped to my next earthly passion as soon as boredom had conquered the last.

A small group of girls started reading Blue Like Jazz and to be honest I was a bit skeptical after the first few chapters. I couldn't tell exactly where the writer was in his faith today and that was frustrating to me. For some reason I expected it to be the story of someone who had never doubted his faith... and this was nothing of the sort. In fact it is real. It's raw. At times it's a little strange. But there are parts that I can definitely relate to, more than I ever would the story of a life long devout Christian.

The author, Donald Miller, refers to the day he gave himself to God. He recalls the feeling of peace, a lot of peace. One time somebody asked me after I had supposedly been saved, what I felt like. I couldn't answer that question. I didn't feel different. I hadn't really asked to be saved. I didn't have peace.

Today I have peace. Peace of the heart in Jesus.
Similar to Miller, I feel like I couldn't grasp the meaning of forgiveness. I didn't feel I should be let of the hook that easily. But I know I am forgiven by God's grace, something much greater than the charity we are capable of giving. And I too feel like I asked forgiveness from an old friend and peace has come over my heart.

A friend asked me today what I thought the purpose of life was?
I chewed on this for awhile, and for some reason although (to serve God in his image) was my first thought I was still hesitant to say this. I felt guilty. Not but 3 or 4 months ago I was talking to this same girl about how religion is a crutch and how we are in control of our lives. But I was blinded. I was deaf. My heart was very hardened to think that I could rely on my own reasoning and ability. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Prov3:5-6) He is where our purpose lies. For what is a house, a degree, a career, a fancy car, when we are dead? These have no value when we know this is our temporary home. What matters is who we live our lives for and like. "No longer walk as the rest of the gentiles walk, in the futility of their mind, having understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart..." (Eph4:17-19) Instead walk as "imitators of God, as dear children."(Eph5:1) I believe this is the purpose of life. To strive each second to have the heart of Jesus. To have that kind of heart for Jesus and for all others. Nothing else matters. Nothing else is important after our time has come. That was a huge eye opener to me. If I was to continue thinking that by some mere chance billions of years ago some elements happened to get together and eventually humans developed... what would be the point of our existence? There wouldn't be beyond ourselves. If this were so, everything we ever do and ever accomplish would be simply for our minute little lifetime. So why does it matter how big our house is, how many cars we own, how much money we have in the bank? What are we gonna buy when we're 6 feet under? All of these possessions begin to seem very worthless. I began to think why am I not spending more time on other people, on relationships, on loving others? Why? Because I didn't know Jesus. I was too ignorant and selfish to accept that the world does not evolve around my life. I couldn't imagine a man like Jesus because the mere thought of putting my own needs truly second was frightening. So I ignored my guilt. I closed my eyes to the fact that I was living for myself alone. But when I was convicted... my eyes opened. And I was convicted even more. Why do I feel like this? I thought I had it all together. I was in charge of my destiny, of my life and that was good enough. But that is far from it good. It would be easy to blame the school systems for teaching evolutionary thought. I could even blame those who made adverse impressions on my mind. I could blame the devil for speaking this garbage into my head most of my life. But I don't have anyone to blame really except myself. And after asking for forgiveness by the grace of God, that is something I can put behind me. "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." (2Cor5:17) I am forgiven, unchained of sin. In Jesus I have peace.

How to Pray

I never knew prayer could be done anywhere and at anytime. I think I had this notion that it was a very proper and particular practice, of which I never really grasped. But today I learned prayer is anything but. It's you talking to God. Talking to your father. Today's message really solidified this for me. Recently I feel like I've been talking to God whenever I feel like it... but at the same time I felt almost disrespectful because I wasn't necessarily setting a specific time away to do so. Lately while biking I've had the desire to call out to Him. Can't say I've ever really felt like that. I've always had a great appreciation for the outdoors, especially the beautiful country we get to explore around here, but recently my appreciation for that seems to be so much greater. I find self riding through the back country and just thanking God for everything I see. We have some amazing country around here. I can't get enough of it! But it's nice to know and feel that that it is okay to do that. That it's a positive thing actually. No doubt setting aside quiet time just to pray is great too, but for me at least, I feel like the outdoors really makes creation that much more real. Like this earth and all its beauty couldn't have been a product of chance, and when I'm out in the thick of it I can't help but wanting to share my appreciation. If anything being outside in "God's Country" makes me feel closer than I ever expected or even ever desired. And I think it's also okay if we don't all have the same prayer life. The way I talk to God, when and where I talk to Him may not be identical to the next person... and I think that's a good thing as well.

One major fear though I have is something I read in Mark 3:28-30
"Assuredly, I say to you, all sins will be forgiven the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they may utter; but he who blasphemies against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness, but is subject to eternal condemnation- because they said , 'He has an unclean spirit.'"

After reading this I decided to find out what the exact meaning of blasphemy means. According to Webster it refers to "the act of insulting or showing contempt or lack of reverence (lack of respect) for God."

I've admitted before God that I have denounced his name in the past and asked for forgiveness and truly feel that my heart and mind have been changed but this verse scares me quite a bit. Is that not enough? My bible titles this passage as the Unpardonable Sin... is this true? What if what one once said about God in general, in times of confusion and disbelief, is no longer what is in their heart... is this something that not even the death of Jesus can wipe clean? Please tell me I'm wrong.

Shame

You ever have those moments where a whole lot of emotion comes over you for no apparent reason? I had one of those today. I was sitting on the chair lift heading up the mountain and the chair began to bounce. It wasn't windy though so I don't really know what caused it but shortly after I passed under the part of the lift with the tracks. I wondered how easy would it be for that cable to just bounce of the track? It looked pretty easy... but I tried not to think about it. Then a song came on. I don't remember it but I instantly felt shame. I don't know what brought it on. It could have been the thought of falling, the song, being up there alone. I began to think of my past relationships. I hate the idea of regret, but I seem to feel that emotion a lot when I think back. Again if I had only known then what I know now... or will know tomorrow. But it was strange how all these emotions came to me and I was actually glad to have been there by myself. Maybe regret is just the word that comes to mind... but it's more like asking myself what was I doing? I don't even mean this in terms of what was I doing with a specific person, but who was I then? Sometimes I don't even know. You know when something inside doesn't feel right, but for some odd reason you have to just test it out. Twice I wish I had just tested out a thing called "friendship" first. Wow, now there's a thought! I never thought I'd have a relational past, basically because I hardly dated for so long. And I always thought it would be great to meet someone in a similar situation... but that's a longshot. So I'm here today with a past like the majority of the world, and I'm accepting it. Taking what is important and useful from my experiences and decisions, and not dwelling on the rest or beating myself up. I know that it is not worth it. I've asked for forgiveness... now I need to forgive myself.

On The Road

"Today, it seems to me, there is no good reason for an intelligent person to embrace the illusion of atheism or agnosticism, to make the same intellectual mistakes I made. I wish... I had known then what I know now."
Patrick Glenn, atheist turned Christian

I can relate to that and all I can do now is ask for a lot of forgiveness, give much heartfelt praise and make some serious changes from here on out. This has begun and it has made me face a lot of the questions that once stunted my ability to believe.

I have definitely asked the question how can there be a God if there is so much pain and suffering in the world? But I never considered the fact that God's plan is so great that we may never understand why human beings undergo the difficulties of life until our journey on earth is complete. First off, God created us with free will. Therefore he doesn't create or allow evil... we do. If he were to have created a perfect utopia... we would not have free will. We would not love freely. It would be much to easy if loving God was not a choice. But because he gave us this freedom, we have the ability to search and desire his love or not to. And in the same sense, if he were to correct every pain and suffering many may never find him or have the desire to. I can't say from experience yet, but I've been told that people often feel the closest to God in their times of pain, hurt, and suffering. If those times were not to inflict us, we may never freely seek a higher power and instead find satisfaction in ourselves alone.

I don't want to walk alone.
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Random:
I was wedding gift shopping the other day and ran across a ring. It wasn't the typical piece of costume jewelry though. Instead it had a cross on it and some writing in Spanish that I couldn't make out at the time. But I had this urge to get it and find out what the words read. So I bought it, took it home, plugged it into an online Spanish translator and it happened to be the Lord's Prayer. I don't remember too much from Sunday Mass, but that is something I don't think ever goes away. And it just so happened that on Christmas Eve when my sister was home she asked us all to join hands and pray that before our meal. This shouldn't seem that crazy, but my family hasn't had God in our lives for a long time, if ever. So I'm wearing the ring... and I want to be wearing the ring. At the wedding, the pastor talked about a wedding band as having no beginning or end, our lives with God really have no beginning or end because he was always been there. Ovbioulsy it's not a wedding band but I think it can still be a meaningful symbol and a constant reminder.

Second interesting thing... maybe a month ago I went to The Stirring and found an open seat near the back. It happened to be near a woman who was very kind and introduced herself to me. She had just moved back to Redding from Southern California and after a little bit of sharing, learned of some big events that had just happened to her in a personal relationship. At first I couldn't believe she felt okay sharing it with a stranger and then I couldn't believe how positive she still was. But I saw something in her. She had a love greater than that which any man could have given her, and because of that she was gonna be just fine. So I hadn't had the opportunity of running into her again since then, but during my bike ride earlier yesterday I thought I saw her running on the river trail. And last night, it just so happened that she found a seat in the same row as me at church. At the end of the service the whole church did his big toast to God and to all that He has done in the last four years since The Stirring has been a church. She recognized me and we started talking a bit. We ended up exchanging numbers and will hopefully find a home group for the next couple months! She said she didn't think it was coincidence that this happened twice... neither do I.