Just some thoughts....

2011-08-14T22:22:00.001-07:00

Psalm 13

Reading: Mars and Venus on a Date

2011-08-10T21:07:00.000-07:00

The things you wish you had known:

It is most romantic for a woman when a man anticipates her needs and offers to help.

When a man stops pursuing, a woman's task is to resist the enormous urge to find out what has happened or to do something about it.

For a woman, the stage of uncertainty should be a time to reflect on what she is getting from the man, not on what she could get.

Biggest mistake....to assume that a man will do things without being asked.

When a woman pursues a man, automatically he will become more relaxed and passive about the relationship.

When a man pulls away, a woman blames him and doesnt realize how she can be part of the equation.

A woman's desire to please a man is clearly a demonstration of love, but at the same time a woman must know that if she denies herself to please him, it makes her less attractive.

2011-08-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

Feelin super antsy... Can't think of anything except being somewhere else. Can't stop thinking about traveling. Looking into internships and programs overseas or at least out of state. I love college but it the one thing that has kept me close to home. As graduation nears, I'm feeling unbelieveably eager to get away at last!

Words

2011-02-11T09:52:00.000-08:00

You know when you hear a song and if feels like it was written just for you... but really it was written for anyone who has ever felt alone.

News Boys: Born Again
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Found myself looking into the mirror
Knew I wasn't who I wanted to be
I was living like the way that I wanted
But my eyes reminded me I'm not free
Believe that I saw, everything that I know
Says I gotta go, tired of going solo
But I'm never gonna go there again

This is what it is
This is who I am
This is where I finally take my stand
I didn't want to fall, but I don't have to crawl
I met the one with two scarred hands
Givin' him the best of, everything that's left of
The life inside this man
I've been Born Again

I see you're walking like you're living in fear
Having trouble even looking at me
Wishing that they give you more than words
Sick of people telling how it should be (how it should be)
What's your download, where'd you get your info
Saw that I'm show, now you're in the in-load
I'm gonna tell you what I believe, OH

We are the ones, he called by name
Never gonna look back
Let go, let go the guilt the shame
I said I'm never gonna look back
This is who I am

I am Born Again

Peace

2011-01-27T19:22:00.000-08:00

Searching For More
I feel like I have been that person who looks for love in all the wrong places and is never satisfied. Sometimes it was hobbies, sports, relationships, goals and ambitions, political or social causes. All of which were never satisfying. I always jumped to my next earthly passion as soon as boredom had conquered the last.

A small group of girls started reading Blue Like Jazz and to be honest I was a bit skeptical after the first few chapters. I couldn't tell exactly where the writer was in his faith today and that was frustrating to me. For some reason I expected it to be the story of someone who had never doubted his faith... and this was nothing of the sort. In fact it is real. It's raw. At times it's a little strange. But there are parts that I can definitely relate to, more than I ever would the story of a life long devout Christian.

The author, Donald Miller, refers to the day he gave himself to God. He recalls the feeling of peace, a lot of peace. One time somebody asked me after I had supposedly been saved, what I felt like. I couldn't answer that question. I didn't feel different. I hadn't really asked to be saved. I didn't have peace.

Today I have peace. Peace of the heart in Jesus.
Similar to Miller, I feel like I couldn't grasp the meaning of forgiveness. I didn't feel I should be let of the hook that easily. But I know I am forgiven by God's grace, something much greater than the charity we are capable of giving. And I too feel like I asked forgiveness from an old friend and peace has come over my heart.

A friend asked me today what I thought the purpose of life was?
I chewed on this for awhile, and for some reason although (to serve God in his image) was my first thought I was still hesitant to say this. I felt guilty. Not but 3 or 4 months ago I was talking to this same girl about how religion is a crutch and how we are in control of our lives. But I was blinded. I was deaf. My heart was very hardened to think that I could rely on my own reasoning and ability. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Prov3:5-6) He is where our purpose lies. For what is a house, a degree, a career, a fancy car, when we are dead? These have no value when we know this is our temporary home. What matters is who we live our lives for and like. "No longer walk as the rest of the gentiles walk, in the futility of their mind, having understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart..." (Eph4:17-19) Instead walk as "imitators of God, as dear children."(Eph5:1) I believe this is the purpose of life. To strive each second to have the heart of Jesus. To have that kind of heart for Jesus and for all others. Nothing else matters. Nothing else is important after our time has come. That was a huge eye opener to me. If I was to continue thinking that by some mere chance billions of years ago some elements happened to get together and eventually humans developed... what would be the point of our existence? There wouldn't be beyond ourselves. If this were so, everything we ever do and ever accomplish would be simply for our minute little lifetime. So why does it matter how big our house is, how many cars we own, how much money we have in the bank? What are we gonna buy when we're 6 feet under? All of these possessions begin to seem very worthless. I began to think why am I not spending more time on other people, on relationships, on loving others? Why? Because I didn't know Jesus. I was too ignorant and selfish to accept that the world does not evolve around my life. I couldn't imagine a man like Jesus because the mere thought of putting my own needs truly second was frightening. So I ignored my guilt. I closed my eyes to the fact that I was living for myself alone. But when I was convicted... my eyes opened. And I was convicted even more. Why do I feel like this? I thought I had it all together. I was in charge of my destiny, of my life and that was good enough. But that is far from it good. It would be easy to blame the school systems for teaching evolutionary thought. I could even blame those who made adverse impressions on my mind. I could blame the devil for speaking this garbage into my head most of my life. But I don't have anyone to blame really except myself. And after asking for forgiveness by the grace of God, that is something I can put behind me. "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." (2Cor5:17) I am forgiven, unchained of sin. In Jesus I have peace.

How to Pray

2011-01-23T20:28:00.000-08:00

I never knew prayer could be done anywhere and at anytime. I think I had this notion that it was a very proper and particular practice, of which I never really grasped. But today I learned prayer is anything but. It's you talking to God. Talking to your father. Today's message really solidified this for me. Recently I feel like I've been talking to God whenever I feel like it... but at the same time I felt almost disrespectful because I wasn't necessarily setting a specific time away to do so. Lately while biking I've had the desire to call out to Him. Can't say I've ever really felt like that. I've always had a great appreciation for the outdoors, especially the beautiful country we get to explore around here, but recently my appreciation for that seems to be so much greater. I find self riding through the back country and just thanking God for everything I see. We have some amazing country around here. I can't get enough of it! But it's nice to know and feel that that it is okay to do that. That it's a positive thing actually. No doubt setting aside quiet time just to pray is great too, but for me at least, I feel like the outdoors really makes creation that much more real. Like this earth and all its beauty couldn't have been a product of chance, and when I'm out in the thick of it I can't help but wanting to share my appreciation. If anything being outside in "God's Country" makes me feel closer than I ever expected or even ever desired. And I think it's also okay if we don't all have the same prayer life. The way I talk to God, when and where I talk to Him may not be identical to the next person... and I think that's a good thing as well.

One major fear though I have is something I read in Mark 3:28-30
"Assuredly, I say to you, all sins will be forgiven the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they may utter; but he who blasphemies against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness, but is subject to eternal condemnation- because they said , 'He has an unclean spirit.'"

After reading this I decided to find out what the exact meaning of blasphemy means. According to Webster it refers to "the act of insulting or showing contempt or lack of reverence (lack of respect) for God."

I've admitted before God that I have denounced his name in the past and asked for forgiveness and truly feel that my heart and mind have been changed but this verse scares me quite a bit. Is that not enough? My bible titles this passage as the Unpardonable Sin... is this true? What if what one once said about God in general, in times of confusion and disbelief, is no longer what is in their heart... is this something that not even the death of Jesus can wipe clean? Please tell me I'm wrong.

Shame

2011-01-10T23:22:00.000-08:00

You ever have those moments where a whole lot of emotion comes over you for no apparent reason? I had one of those today. I was sitting on the chair lift heading up the mountain and the chair began to bounce. It wasn't windy though so I don't really know what caused it but shortly after I passed under the part of the lift with the tracks. I wondered how easy would it be for that cable to just bounce of the track? It looked pretty easy... but I tried not to think about it. Then a song came on. I don't remember it but I instantly felt shame. I don't know what brought it on. It could have been the thought of falling, the song, being up there alone. I began to think of my past relationships. I hate the idea of regret, but I seem to feel that emotion a lot when I think back. Again if I had only known then what I know now... or will know tomorrow. But it was strange how all these emotions came to me and I was actually glad to have been there by myself. Maybe regret is just the word that comes to mind... but it's more like asking myself what was I doing? I don't even mean this in terms of what was I doing with a specific person, but who was I then? Sometimes I don't even know. You know when something inside doesn't feel right, but for some odd reason you have to just test it out. Twice I wish I had just tested out a thing called "friendship" first. Wow, now there's a thought! I never thought I'd have a relational past, basically because I hardly dated for so long. And I always thought it would be great to meet someone in a similar situation... but that's a longshot. So I'm here today with a past like the majority of the world, and I'm accepting it. Taking what is important and useful from my experiences and decisions, and not dwelling on the rest or beating myself up. I know that it is not worth it. I've asked for forgiveness... now I need to forgive myself.

On The Road

2011-01-10T19:42:00.000-08:00

"Today, it seems to me, there is no good reason for an intelligent person to embrace the illusion of atheism or agnosticism, to make the same intellectual mistakes I made. I wish... I had known then what I know now."
Patrick Glenn, atheist turned Christian

I can relate to that and all I can do now is ask for a lot of forgiveness, give much heartfelt praise and make some serious changes from here on out. This has begun and it has made me face a lot of the questions that once stunted my ability to believe.

I have definitely asked the question how can there be a God if there is so much pain and suffering in the world? But I never considered the fact that God's plan is so great that we may never understand why human beings undergo the difficulties of life until our journey on earth is complete. First off, God created us with free will. Therefore he doesn't create or allow evil... we do. If he were to have created a perfect utopia... we would not have free will. We would not love freely. It would be much to easy if loving God was not a choice. But because he gave us this freedom, we have the ability to search and desire his love or not to. And in the same sense, if he were to correct every pain and suffering many may never find him or have the desire to. I can't say from experience yet, but I've been told that people often feel the closest to God in their times of pain, hurt, and suffering. If those times were not to inflict us, we may never freely seek a higher power and instead find satisfaction in ourselves alone.

I don't want to walk alone.
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Random:
I was wedding gift shopping the other day and ran across a ring. It wasn't the typical piece of costume jewelry though. Instead it had a cross on it and some writing in Spanish that I couldn't make out at the time. But I had this urge to get it and find out what the words read. So I bought it, took it home, plugged it into an online Spanish translator and it happened to be the Lord's Prayer. I don't remember too much from Sunday Mass, but that is something I don't think ever goes away. And it just so happened that on Christmas Eve when my sister was home she asked us all to join hands and pray that before our meal. This shouldn't seem that crazy, but my family hasn't had God in our lives for a long time, if ever. So I'm wearing the ring... and I want to be wearing the ring. At the wedding, the pastor talked about a wedding band as having no beginning or end, our lives with God really have no beginning or end because he was always been there. Ovbioulsy it's not a wedding band but I think it can still be a meaningful symbol and a constant reminder.

Second interesting thing... maybe a month ago I went to The Stirring and found an open seat near the back. It happened to be near a woman who was very kind and introduced herself to me. She had just moved back to Redding from Southern California and after a little bit of sharing, learned of some big events that had just happened to her in a personal relationship. At first I couldn't believe she felt okay sharing it with a stranger and then I couldn't believe how positive she still was. But I saw something in her. She had a love greater than that which any man could have given her, and because of that she was gonna be just fine. So I hadn't had the opportunity of running into her again since then, but during my bike ride earlier yesterday I thought I saw her running on the river trail. And last night, it just so happened that she found a seat in the same row as me at church. At the end of the service the whole church did his big toast to God and to all that He has done in the last four years since The Stirring has been a church. She recognized me and we started talking a bit. We ended up exchanging numbers and will hopefully find a home group for the next couple months! She said she didn't think it was coincidence that this happened twice... neither do I.

motivation

2010-12-28T01:47:00.000-08:00

I feel and know my heart is ready and open for faith, for a love that I have never given into before. But I feel like I have to be very careful about the way in which I seek for this. I was greatly impacted by the influence God has had in a friends life, causing me to become curious and interested. But all the while it seems as though I am changing my heart for the acceptance of someone else. How do you ever let go if on one end you want to seek and find a higher purpose for yourself, but on the other end you realize someone has had a great impact on your beliefs and may be part of the reason why you begin to question and reasses your purpose and beliefs? I feel like I can't truly lose control if I'm trying to control the way in which my desire or reason for a change of heart for God appears to someone else. It's difficult. Someone I care much about and deeply respect has put a lot of things on my heart. And I know what I want is to feel and experience this unwavering love and presence from God. I feel like finally I was exposed in such a way that something clicked. Something was different and I was able to see Christianity in a positive light. I feel something greater than religion, more impactful for me than the Catholicsm of which I was raised, and a positive influence of God on my life. I guess I've been spending a lot of effort worrying about how my motivations appear from the outside when I know deep down inside it's me who is searching for a greater purpose, a greater love, and a greater power than I will ever have alone.

2010-12-26T11:32:00.000-08:00

The devil tries to give us a kingdom without a cross, without sacrifice. Jesus is the sacrifice for the real kingdom. And we hold the love of Jesus and God in our hearts, everywhere we go. This love is not restricted to a physical place. We carry this love in our hearts and it is exemplified when we gather together to praise Him.

Forgive Me, Save Me

2010-12-19T23:48:00.000-08:00

I pray that through You I may allow myself to lose control. Please give me the STRENGTH to trust in you all of my days. I don't know quite where to start for I have doubted your presence for so long. Time and time again you have brought people of Christ into my life and I have turned the other way, never seeking you. But today I am here. You have continued to seek me and today it is I who has completely chosen to come to you. Forgive me for my doubt, ridicule, and disloyalty. I was raised by your faith and values yet somewhere through the years I selfishly took credit for my personal capabilities . Submitting to a life of personal conquest and searching for happiness in people and possessions over the glory of God. I have become bitter at times, dissapointed and dissatisfied, self righteous and unaccountable. I pray that you forgive me for these ignorant acts and continue to show me your mercy and grace. I am very thankful and feel very blessed for those you have put along my path and those who I have yet to meet along my journey. Thank you for never giving up on your children.

Forgive

2010-12-14T22:22:00.000-08:00

Thank you. Thank you for saying something that was difficult to say. Something you knew I wouldn't take well. Something that until this day, months later, I didn't understand. You were not trying to degrade me. You were not trying to hurt me. You were simply stating how you felt and today I understand. Today I can look past the hurt I felt, the anger, the disappointment. Today I realize that what you said needed to be said. If you hadn't thrown it in my face I probably would have missed this opportunity to take a deeper look at the life I'm living. I'm sorry I held resentment for so long. I'm sorry I was angry and cold. I'm sorry that I didn't forgive you even though I said I had. It hurt, I won't lie. It hurt like when your biggest secret, that which you'd never want another to know, is revealed. I didn't want to face it. I didn't face it. I covered it up with anger and resentment. I told myself you were heartless. I asked myself how could someone say such a thing? Who were you to say such a thing? But I understand now. You said it for me. You said it out of love. So thank you. Thank you for knocking the wind out of me. Thank you for making me take a second look at my life's purpose. For if I have no care for my own soul who will have care for me in time to come?

Acknowledge

2010-12-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

A couple years ago I tried to read a book by Sam Harris called The End of Faith. Never finished that book. Yesterday I finished the book The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism by Timothy Keller. I had that book for less than a week and couldn't put it down.

Here is some of what it revealed to me:

Emptiness of Natural Selection:
Evolutionary biology tells us that everything we think and feel occurs because it is those thoughts that allowed us to prevail. Thus those who felt love and beauty only feel that and see it because their ancestors did. And those thoughts and feelings are part of our biological makeup that allowed us to survive natural selection. So what they are saying is we only feel love because it assists our survival and it is a trait that was passed down to us for survival.

This is a very sickening view to me. To think that love and beauty is only for our ability to procreate. To think that everything we think and feel can't really be trusted because we are only realizing it in order to continue to fill this earth. So if this is true, how can we trust anything? How can we trust anything that even scientists reveal? Aren't they being contradictory? How can they even trust what they believe to be true? If there is no God then one would believe that all things are inexplicable, like your disbelief in God... so therefore how can you go on using your rational judgments if they cannot be trusted. The very basis for proving that God doesn't exist contradicts the ability to believe in anything at all.

And if this were true it creates a pretty empty existence. Explain then why anything in this world matters. "There's no actual purpose for which we were made- we are accidents. If we are the product of accidental natural forces, then what we call 'beauty' is nothing but a neurological hardwired response to particular data. You only find certain scenery to be beautiful because you had ancestors who knew you would find food there and they survived because of that neurological feature and now we have it too.... Love too must be seen in this light. If we are the result of blind natural force, then what we call 'love' is simply a biochemical response, inherited from ancestors who survived because this trait helped them survive."

But: "Regardless of the beliefs in our mind about the random meaninglessness of life, before the face of beauty we know better." We have an appetite for something greater than the explanation of life as merely the outcome of random atoms in the universe. This appetite or 'blessed longing' is something we will always fee the absence of until we let it fill us with the "joy, love, and beauty that no amount or quality of food, sex, friendship, or success can satisfy. We want something that nothing in this world can fulfill." That something that we are longing for is a major clue that God is real.

Right vs. Wrong:
So referring back to the above argument, how can we really know what is right vs. wrong if God does not exist. If all that matters is our survival than why are we as humans any different from any other animal in nature. Wildlife depends on hunting and killing for survival, some of which occurs within the same species of animal. But we as humans don't agree with this. Killing another human being is wrong. If all that matters is our survival and what it takes for us to achieve the most success for ourselves, then where did our conscience come from. Why would the average person even think twice about hurting another person in order to make it to the top if our entire survival is based on the theory of natural selection? This is because it is not the case. There is something else out there controlling the universe, the world, our lives. "If there is no God as one may believe and everyone has just evolved from animals, why would it be wrong to trample on someone's rights? Why are humans considered different from the rest of the natural world so that they are not allowed to act as the rest of the animal world?"

Because we have innate feelings of wrong and right, of moral obligation. "We also have an eradicable belief that moral standards exist, outside of us, by which our internal moral feelings are evaluated."
- example: If a woman spends her life fighting for the rights of women and believes she feels these rights are deserving based on social views of her time and place, than how can she have the right to place those views over the non-western world and their present societies. "If all cultures are relative, then so is the idea of universal human rights, so how can I decide to impose my values on this culture?"

"If there is no God than all moral statements are arbitrary, all moral valuations are subjective and internal, and there can be no external moral standard by which a person's feelings and values are judged." But "We are all equal- Man is but man, before God we are all equal. Before God!"
Human rights have no basis outside of God. How would we be able to trust our views of wrong and right if there is no God and instead in accordance with natural selection? We wouldn't. We wouldn't be able to really trust that "napalming babies is bad" and that "starving the poor is wicked." The fact that many nonbelievers continue to justify human rights in their minds explains that He is still shaping our views even if we don't want to accept it. He is giving us the knowledge of right and wrong, giving us a moral conscience. If one lives in a secular world but continues to make distinctions between wrong and right, then it is the heart that knows God exists even if your real world intellect is stuck in the secular mindset.

If nothing is larger than ourselves and our entire being is based on our personal success, what happens when we have achieved all that we can achieve? "This pointless litigation of existence before an empty bench... which, of course, is another way of saying- despair." But many live with the belief that it does matter the way in which we lead our lives yet it is in no accordance with a higher power or our life after death. What does it matter then to know and do right over wrong? "If the Bench is truly empty," what does it matter because the world will be over before we know it and no one will be around to remember what you did in your life, nor will it matter to you how your life affected others.

Life has beauty and meaning when we accept that there is a God who has given us inherent dignity because we know He exists. Acknowledging his presence is the first and most important step.

the playwright

2010-12-06T21:28:00.000-08:00

I like this:

"Lewis gives us another metaphor for knowing the truth about God when he writes that he believes in God 'as I believe the sun has risen, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.' Imagine trying to look directly at the sun in order to learn about it. You can't do it. It will burn out your retinas, ruining your capacity to take it in. A far better way to learn about the existence, power, and quality of the sun is to look at the world it shows you, to recognize how it sustains everything you see and enables you to see it."

"Look at what the sun shows us."

(Don't expect to see god as a common object, obvious to our eyes.)

"If the God of the Bible exists, he is not a man in the attic, but the Playwright. This means we won't be able to find him like we would find a passive object with the powers of empirical investigation. Rather, we must find the clues to his reality that he has written into the universe, including into us."

"I ask you to put on Christianity like a pair of spectacles and look at the world with it. See what power it has to explain what we know and see."

____________________________________________________________

This perspective really intrigues me. To parallel what God shows the world to that of what the sun shows us, but for life itself is really amazing. God is like the light for our hearts, our souls. When we take off our individualistic spectacles and replace them with ones that see the world through the eyes of Christianity, that is really something. To not look for God as an object, but find him through his clues. I think this means his miracles. His people and how they effect you. His love. But I'm beginning to understand that that is something you do have to seek. You have to want to accept it, allow yourself to accept it. This could come as a slap in the face. This could be when you realize that you don't have it all together and that's okay because there is something that does and there's a specific plan for each of us. It's when you really let go, and not only say it but truly trust it. Feel yourself accept love unconditionally. But how do you feel that? What do you have to do to feel that? Is it prayer? Worship? Does it change overnight? One day you accept God into your life and the next you feel overwhelming love automatically? What happens? What does it feel like? When do you feel it? I want to feel it.

Conclusions

2010-12-05T22:58:00.000-08:00

We cannot put our faith solely into people. They are bound to disappoint and we will eventually disappoint them. People fail our expectations. Maybe we expect too much from them. But what is it to expect consideration, kindness, at the least the energy it takes to communicate like a human being who has a heart. Is that too much ask for? The biggest reason why I know faith solely in people is impossible is because we disappoint ourselves. I disappoint myself often with things that I cannot do or accomplish, but the worst is when I put faith in someone knowing full well that they are only human and yet when the outcome is not what I expected or desired, I am still upset. That is what is most disappointing. That is when I realize that God is greater than anybody on this earth and we will never even compare. We can try to live like him, to be like him but we will always fail and that is acceptance in itself. It is to realize that I am not that powerful. I don't have what it takes but I have an open heart to put my faith into that which will never disappoint. That which will give me the strength I don't have standing alone. We all are weak. Our accomplishments occur by the grace of God. Wow, I don't think I have ever allowed myself to truly admit that. I've never let go of the control, trusted the process, or wanted a guiding heart. Why did I think I had the answers, the knowledge, the understanding, the power? Who am I? I'm a nobody.
A book I read said that hell is when you can no longer give or receive love or happiness. That alone sounds worse than any fiery pit I had envisioned in my dreams. For hell is reached when God gives you that which you most desperately asked for, freedom from himself. Freedom from that which created love, happiness, that which created us.
But with that said and as my understanding and desire to find the love God is said to share develops, why is it so easy for me to show my passion for another human being than it is has ever been for our creator. I can get so wrapped up in a relationship, in the broad sense of the word (the interaction/ connection of two people) and develop high expectations so quickly that are almost always unsatisfied. But truly, until now, I've never really looked elsewhere for the love that I want and never really receive from a human being. Until now I mocked those who worshiped that which they claimed gave them everlasting love. Until now I was never so desperate. Never so disappointed with outcomes.
In terms of romantic relationships, all be them few, I feel that most of them have been marked by disappointment. Either I couldn't give or receive something I was searching for. Something I thought could be achieved through a human relationship. And it was usually I who made the final decision to be ready or done, to continue or to move one. Until recently this was the case. But recently one has stumped me. I didn't get what I wanted or thought I wanted. I didn't have faith and thus I was not right for such a relationship. This made me do a lot of thinking. I've thought about who I am, what I stand for, what my life's purpose is. I couldn't think of very much. What is an education, some dreams for my future. If life is only what we have on this earth then why should it matter the costs we take to obtain what we want. But if what we have on this earth means little, but the actions we take will follow us forever, than the life we lead should not be an individualistic one.
Now this rejection hurt and the realization that I stand for little was quite painful as well. It hurt more than not feeling physically desirable enough, than not feeling intellectual enough. This was something I had chosen. I had convinced myself of beliefs or lack of beliefs. I had caused my own emptiness and that caused this new relationship to evaporate any chance of romance.
But my dilemma is the fact that this has definitely made me take a deeper look at my life and make myself vulnerable to a love I have been longing for. But I want this for myself. I am thankful for the eye opener that such a heartache has showed me but I realize that I also have to know I am loved to truly give love. With that said I am on the journey, seeking a faith in God and laying forth all my sins. This is the beginning of a long walk, but for once in my life I am truly and honestly hungry.

Change

2010-11-28T22:40:00.000-08:00

"All perfection in this life is accompanied by a measure of imperfection, and all our knowledge contains an element of obscurity. A humble knowledge of oneself is a surer road to God than a deep searching of the sciences."

"For such is the weakness of human nature, alas, that evil is often more readily believed and spoken of another than good. But perfect men do not easily believe every tale that is told them, for they know that man's nature is prone to evil, and his words to deception."

"Whoever puts his confidence in men or in any creature is very foolish."

"If you have no care for you own soul who will have care for you in time to come?"

"If you rely on your own reasoning and ability rather than on the virtue of submission to Jesus Christ you will but seldom and slowly attain wisdom."
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What does science give you? Obscure answers that someone learned from a book, that someone before them who learned from another book just to write in their own book. But that's besides the point I guess. It's empty nonetheless. So you look to science for answers to the questions of the universe, but what do those answers really mean to mankind? What do they really give mankind that we didn't have before? Can one honestly say they have faith in science? What does that even mean? Is science supposed to give purpose or meaning that makes a life worth living? I never thought science was an alternative to faith but I guess it was easier for me to submit to because it wasn't submittal at all really. I could carry on with my normal life without truely thinking about the life I was actually living. But faith holds you accountable to living a life for something greater than yourself and trying to live like that which is greater than yourself. This is much more difficult than living a life in which you look to science's explanations of the formation of the universe, because your individual purpose has no relation. One can live with no remorse and in your mind never really feel empty. But maybe seeing it in someone else is what makes one take a second look at themself. If you don't like what you see - change they way you think, change the way you live, live for something greater than yourself.

Rambling

2010-11-23T22:01:00.000-08:00

Today was a social awakening. Many deep, strong converstations with very different people. I love it. One apologized for always stirring a deep philisophical conversation but you know who you are and don't ever apologize for that. I for one learn so much through the words spoken. Surface level chatter is necessary no doubt but when you can break the barrier and truely hear someone and they feel comfortable to open up on a higher level, that is amazing. What is friendship if two people cannot be real with eachother? And to talk to people whose minds are open and honest... I couldn't ask for anything else. I know my mind is very much guided by those who I surround myself with, but I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing because I know in my heart I surround myself with good people. Very different people, but none the less pure and caring.

One enlightened me to the fact that I may have never let myself succumb to the fact that I do not have total control over everything that happens in life. Sometimes you have to accept that things are out of your physical control and you have to be okay with that. You have to be secure in the fact that alone we are not as strong as we may hope to be. It is at that moment that you let your faith in God, the universe, nature, whatever it is, guide you.

I want purpose. I want meaning beyond a career, beyond my next text message or email, beyond the money I have in the bank. These are the trivial things that sometimes feel like what life is about but are no where near what life could be. I know that the purpose is not selfish but is the fact of wanting it to feel complete a selfish desire?

It's not about me

2010-11-22T14:19:00.000-08:00

A recent conversation made me realize how selfish my life is. Everything I do is for myself and thinking about that makes me sick. I wake up to go to college to earn a degree to be able to support myself to raise a family to provide for my family and then what, I die. That can't be it. I love people, I love making people happy, I love seeing people happy, but what do I really do in my everyday life to see that happen. What can I do? I can stop thinking about myself so much. My little world is a minute part of the entire universe and beyond. I think I'm beginning to understand why people follow God. It is something to live for. It is finding meaning and purpose in something larger than ourselves. And I think I'm beginning to understand that the lives we live could be lived for that something which is greater than ourselves. Why has this been so hard for me to get? I always get stuck on the facts and needing proof to have faith, but faith is not that. Faith is the complete opposite. It is the belief or trust in something regardless of some factual truth or scientific explanation. And it's not just the weak or the strong who search for this, it's anyone. And that's a lot to accept, to give your control over to. To realize it's not about the strength you carry in yourself alone but what gives you that strength. Now accepting that and living that kind of life is the ongoing struggle I presume.

2010-10-31T22:10:00.000-07:00

It's weird to just write into thin air. I know no one will read what I have to say which is probably a good thing because I don't even know what I'm writing about. A year ago I was writing about seemed so clear and today life's experiences have dwindled most of my clarity. I always had journals growing up but I was that kid who would write in it for the first week and then forget about it, and all my entries would be "today I went to school...", real exciting! But I have stuff up in this head of mine, may not be profound, but it makes me think a little harder. I wonder why I fear so much. I fear the actuality of change yet I dream about different places and more experiences. I fear failure. I fear failure so much I don't even give some things a chance. I fear that my fears will hold me back. So basically I fear fear itself... which means that I know it's not worth it yet I can't overcome it. It's incredibly frustrating. It takes more energy and makes me more introverted when I'm afraid of something that I can basically become mute. It's as if all my social skills walk off stage and leave me to my twisted tongue and mixed up words. My nerves get the best of me. My stomach starts to twist. I get warm and anxious, uncomfortable. And then if I walk away I will think about how ridiculous I was for no reason at all. It's completely inside my head, I'm completely inside my head. Hiding in there can't be healthy. Sometimes I come out to stretch my legs and an invigorating splash of confidence comes over me, but it can be hard to hold on to that. Something new and foreign comes up and I run back inside my head to deal with it. I want to deal with it then, not later. Later only causes added stress and procrastination until I never deal with it at all, and I never figure out why I felt the way I did and why I responded that way. And it never really goes. It's always there in the back of your head until a similar incident occurs and you are again unprepared.

Been a Long Time

2010-10-27T10:58:00.000-07:00

Wow, after reading back over my last blogs its crazy to see how much my views have changed in just a couple years. Although I still feel that everyone we meet plays a very important role in our lives, I think of that in a less positive light at this point in time compared to when I wrote my last blog. And I'm tired of that. I want to make an honest pledge to forgive and forget those who have done me wrong and tried to pressure my views in an unrelenting way. I'm over it. And it feels good to let go. I'm am who I am, believe what I believe, and don't need the approval of anyone else. If someone is unaccepting of me for how I see the world than I don't think they are a positive influence in my life. Rather, it's those that disagree or see things in a different light but express those beliefs in a way in which I become interested, intrigued and excited just to expand my horizons, that I think I benefit from the most.

This year has brought many new people into my life for which I am very greatful. Intoxicating people, the kind that just make you feel good to be around them. They are simple and easy but unique and amazing. I may not even know them very well yet, but I have a feeling we will continue to be great friends. They are opening my eyes, inspiring me to be more social, and listen when you talk. I mean really listen. I drive to school an hour and half one way and it feels so good to know that the person you are conversing with in that amount of time really cares what you have to say, and you really care what they have to say.

So bottom line is, I love people. Their spirits, their energy, their ideas, their friendship. It is people that make the world go round.

People

2008-12-09T11:45:00.000-08:00

There are people that come into our lives and teach us so much, more than they will ever know. They allow us to accept, to admire, to forgive, and to open our hearts. I've always felt that every person or experience you encounter is for a reason. Whether there is a lesson to be learned or an opportunity to see the world through someone elses eyes, it is for a reason. I'm beginning to truely believe that God puts certain people along our path for a purpose. They themselves may not even realize the effect they're having on anothers life, but through them He is sharing his power. For me, I think His love is most seen through the relationships I have, am beginning, and those that the future holds. It is through Him and his followers that our rocky pasts can be forgiven and we are not defined by what we have done but are able to learn and change from the inside out. Through this we have the strength to never judge others and thus we begin to accept and truely know ourselves as well.

Religion

2008-11-09T23:09:00.001-08:00

I've been listening The Stirring podcasts for a while now and finally decided tonight to go and listen in person. It has always been a rocky subject for me but latley I've been thinking a lot about it. I usually do as the holidays approach and start to question everything I believe, thought I believed, don't believe or want to believe. I've been up and down with religion, pushing it away, pushing people away who only care, trying to find meaning and then ignoring it. And I'm tired of always wondering. It's not easy to believe in something you cannot see and it scares me. There's a lot live up to but lately I've been really trying to get a perspective on my life and my choices. I feel like I'm a good person, openminded, loving and caring but the meaning has always been something I've struggled with. For a long time I thought I was strong enough without faith, that I didn't really need it, that my life was fullfilling and complete. I assumed it was for people who needed something to live for beyond their friends and family and that if you were strong enough in your own convictions you didn't need it or him. But that seems to be all wrong now. I think those that find themselves in God are of the very strongest because they had the courage to reach out and let something in that is greater than themselves. They were able to admit that this was a journey they could not go at alone and then they used their story and experiences to inspire others. I guess I think why not just give it a chance? What does anyone have to lose? Christianity, if nothing else, opens up doors to live a better life and to become a better person. When questioning where we go when our life is over, why not believe? If in the end everything works out as planned then we're good to go and if it doesn't what did we lose? Nothing. Either way we'll know we lived a fulfilling life for the things that are the most important to us!

GUNS....

2008-11-08T18:34:00.001-08:00

I went target shooting today and let me tell you it was pretty darn exhilarating. We destroyed that trash talking box and its little clay friends. Today was not their day!!! We went all gangster on them with a handgun. I have a new found respect for the 2nd amendment!!!

VOTE!!!!

2008-11-04T15:14:00.000-08:00

Election Day!!! It's exciting, it's nerve wracking, and it's gonna be a very close race I feel! Whatever anyone feels or believes I hope you all get out to vote!!!

So I've been looking for a new job now for about a month and it is going very badly... I feel like I can't even get an interview. I've applied all around town but no one is hiring or a billion other people are applying too. I just want an enjoyable part time job, is that so much to ask for?

First Blog!!!

2008-11-02T10:14:00.001-08:00

This is pretty exciting, my first one!!!lol Well i'm sitting here this sunday morning putting off some much needed to do homework, as usual, and trying to figure out this site so I can start chatting with Kristin in Germany!!! Well last night was pretty fun... went with my new friend from the college to a couple of haunted houses, I think his girlish screams were more entertaining than the actual actors! lol Then we went to Winco, always an interesting place to shop late at night, where we got a bunch of candy and smuggled it into movies 10 to watch the movie Sex Drive! A pretty funny movie... a bit disturbing at time! lol Well thats all for now