Shame

You ever have those moments where a whole lot of emotion comes over you for no apparent reason? I had one of those today. I was sitting on the chair lift heading up the mountain and the chair began to bounce. It wasn't windy though so I don't really know what caused it but shortly after I passed under the part of the lift with the tracks. I wondered how easy would it be for that cable to just bounce of the track? It looked pretty easy... but I tried not to think about it. Then a song came on. I don't remember it but I instantly felt shame. I don't know what brought it on. It could have been the thought of falling, the song, being up there alone. I began to think of my past relationships. I hate the idea of regret, but I seem to feel that emotion a lot when I think back. Again if I had only known then what I know now... or will know tomorrow. But it was strange how all these emotions came to me and I was actually glad to have been there by myself. Maybe regret is just the word that comes to mind... but it's more like asking myself what was I doing? I don't even mean this in terms of what was I doing with a specific person, but who was I then? Sometimes I don't even know. You know when something inside doesn't feel right, but for some odd reason you have to just test it out. Twice I wish I had just tested out a thing called "friendship" first. Wow, now there's a thought! I never thought I'd have a relational past, basically because I hardly dated for so long. And I always thought it would be great to meet someone in a similar situation... but that's a longshot. So I'm here today with a past like the majority of the world, and I'm accepting it. Taking what is important and useful from my experiences and decisions, and not dwelling on the rest or beating myself up. I know that it is not worth it. I've asked for forgiveness... now I need to forgive myself.