Peace

Searching For More
I feel like I have been that person who looks for love in all the wrong places and is never satisfied. Sometimes it was hobbies, sports, relationships, goals and ambitions, political or social causes. All of which were never satisfying. I always jumped to my next earthly passion as soon as boredom had conquered the last.

A small group of girls started reading Blue Like Jazz and to be honest I was a bit skeptical after the first few chapters. I couldn't tell exactly where the writer was in his faith today and that was frustrating to me. For some reason I expected it to be the story of someone who had never doubted his faith... and this was nothing of the sort. In fact it is real. It's raw. At times it's a little strange. But there are parts that I can definitely relate to, more than I ever would the story of a life long devout Christian.

The author, Donald Miller, refers to the day he gave himself to God. He recalls the feeling of peace, a lot of peace. One time somebody asked me after I had supposedly been saved, what I felt like. I couldn't answer that question. I didn't feel different. I hadn't really asked to be saved. I didn't have peace.

Today I have peace. Peace of the heart in Jesus.
Similar to Miller, I feel like I couldn't grasp the meaning of forgiveness. I didn't feel I should be let of the hook that easily. But I know I am forgiven by God's grace, something much greater than the charity we are capable of giving. And I too feel like I asked forgiveness from an old friend and peace has come over my heart.

A friend asked me today what I thought the purpose of life was?
I chewed on this for awhile, and for some reason although (to serve God in his image) was my first thought I was still hesitant to say this. I felt guilty. Not but 3 or 4 months ago I was talking to this same girl about how religion is a crutch and how we are in control of our lives. But I was blinded. I was deaf. My heart was very hardened to think that I could rely on my own reasoning and ability. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Prov3:5-6) He is where our purpose lies. For what is a house, a degree, a career, a fancy car, when we are dead? These have no value when we know this is our temporary home. What matters is who we live our lives for and like. "No longer walk as the rest of the gentiles walk, in the futility of their mind, having understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart..." (Eph4:17-19) Instead walk as "imitators of God, as dear children."(Eph5:1) I believe this is the purpose of life. To strive each second to have the heart of Jesus. To have that kind of heart for Jesus and for all others. Nothing else matters. Nothing else is important after our time has come. That was a huge eye opener to me. If I was to continue thinking that by some mere chance billions of years ago some elements happened to get together and eventually humans developed... what would be the point of our existence? There wouldn't be beyond ourselves. If this were so, everything we ever do and ever accomplish would be simply for our minute little lifetime. So why does it matter how big our house is, how many cars we own, how much money we have in the bank? What are we gonna buy when we're 6 feet under? All of these possessions begin to seem very worthless. I began to think why am I not spending more time on other people, on relationships, on loving others? Why? Because I didn't know Jesus. I was too ignorant and selfish to accept that the world does not evolve around my life. I couldn't imagine a man like Jesus because the mere thought of putting my own needs truly second was frightening. So I ignored my guilt. I closed my eyes to the fact that I was living for myself alone. But when I was convicted... my eyes opened. And I was convicted even more. Why do I feel like this? I thought I had it all together. I was in charge of my destiny, of my life and that was good enough. But that is far from it good. It would be easy to blame the school systems for teaching evolutionary thought. I could even blame those who made adverse impressions on my mind. I could blame the devil for speaking this garbage into my head most of my life. But I don't have anyone to blame really except myself. And after asking for forgiveness by the grace of God, that is something I can put behind me. "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." (2Cor5:17) I am forgiven, unchained of sin. In Jesus I have peace.