Conclusions

We cannot put our faith solely into people. They are bound to disappoint and we will eventually disappoint them. People fail our expectations. Maybe we expect too much from them. But what is it to expect consideration, kindness, at the least the energy it takes to communicate like a human being who has a heart. Is that too much ask for? The biggest reason why I know faith solely in people is impossible is because we disappoint ourselves. I disappoint myself often with things that I cannot do or accomplish, but the worst is when I put faith in someone knowing full well that they are only human and yet when the outcome is not what I expected or desired, I am still upset. That is what is most disappointing. That is when I realize that God is greater than anybody on this earth and we will never even compare. We can try to live like him, to be like him but we will always fail and that is acceptance in itself. It is to realize that I am not that powerful. I don't have what it takes but I have an open heart to put my faith into that which will never disappoint. That which will give me the strength I don't have standing alone. We all are weak. Our accomplishments occur by the grace of God. Wow, I don't think I have ever allowed myself to truly admit that. I've never let go of the control, trusted the process, or wanted a guiding heart. Why did I think I had the answers, the knowledge, the understanding, the power? Who am I? I'm a nobody.
A book I read said that hell is when you can no longer give or receive love or happiness. That alone sounds worse than any fiery pit I had envisioned in my dreams. For hell is reached when God gives you that which you most desperately asked for, freedom from himself. Freedom from that which created love, happiness, that which created us.
But with that said and as my understanding and desire to find the love God is said to share develops, why is it so easy for me to show my passion for another human being than it is has ever been for our creator. I can get so wrapped up in a relationship, in the broad sense of the word (the interaction/ connection of two people) and develop high expectations so quickly that are almost always unsatisfied. But truly, until now, I've never really looked elsewhere for the love that I want and never really receive from a human being. Until now I mocked those who worshiped that which they claimed gave them everlasting love. Until now I was never so desperate. Never so disappointed with outcomes.
In terms of romantic relationships, all be them few, I feel that most of them have been marked by disappointment. Either I couldn't give or receive something I was searching for. Something I thought could be achieved through a human relationship. And it was usually I who made the final decision to be ready or done, to continue or to move one. Until recently this was the case. But recently one has stumped me. I didn't get what I wanted or thought I wanted. I didn't have faith and thus I was not right for such a relationship. This made me do a lot of thinking. I've thought about who I am, what I stand for, what my life's purpose is. I couldn't think of very much. What is an education, some dreams for my future. If life is only what we have on this earth then why should it matter the costs we take to obtain what we want. But if what we have on this earth means little, but the actions we take will follow us forever, than the life we lead should not be an individualistic one.
Now this rejection hurt and the realization that I stand for little was quite painful as well. It hurt more than not feeling physically desirable enough, than not feeling intellectual enough. This was something I had chosen. I had convinced myself of beliefs or lack of beliefs. I had caused my own emptiness and that caused this new relationship to evaporate any chance of romance.
But my dilemma is the fact that this has definitely made me take a deeper look at my life and make myself vulnerable to a love I have been longing for. But I want this for myself. I am thankful for the eye opener that such a heartache has showed me but I realize that I also have to know I am loved to truly give love. With that said I am on the journey, seeking a faith in God and laying forth all my sins. This is the beginning of a long walk, but for once in my life I am truly and honestly hungry.